Disconnection

Caution: I intend this post to be one of the most serious posts I've ever written.



Someone sent me something this morning that had an interesting observation inside it.

Professionals built Titanic. An amateur built the ark.

This tidbit of wisdom made me feel pretty good. You see, I've been going through this phase -- long phase -- where I feel a deep disconnection from the Holy Spirit. To say the least, it bothers me.

I've prayed about it. I've meditated and asked for the connection to be restored. Coincidentally, at a recent Mass, the priest spoke of the differences he observed between Peter and Paul.

One had a strong relationship with God. Needy, almost.

The other spent long periods of time in disconnection with God before coming back under His protective wing for rest. Eventually, he would always disconnect for a long period of time again. The priest said he thought it would be difficult to live in that sort of relationship with God.

I know firsthand. It's hell.

I feel sometimes as though my relationship with Jesus has been on hiatus, as though He has become like so many of those close friends from whom I've allowed myself to drift. Never parting on sorrowful or unfortunate terms, I find joy in unexpected encounters and excitement over rekindling the friendship. But I always allow myself to become distant again.

I wonder why.

I wish I knew why; I feel like I need that close relationship now more than ever as I start to pursue my life's biggest dream in earnest.

I don't want to impose on the few number of regular readers I have on my blog, but I really need prayers. I need to re-establish that connection with the Holy Spirit. I need His divine direction as I make baby steps toward my goal to publish my novel.