The nagging blare of an alarm clock forced me to rise.
I mindlessly gathered my clothing and headed downstairs. In the bathroom, I dropped my clothing and pulled back the shower curtain.
Then I just stood there, a single thought pulsing over and over again inside my head:
Fat girl. Slim pocketbook. Go to work and work hard. Come home and work harder. No real gains. Lucky to slip by. This is your life, Kat. This is who you'll be for the rest of your days.
The pillar of strength I'd been while leading my family through some pretty heavy personal struggles cracked and crumbled under the weight of the realization that nothing was going to change. Ever.
I walked back upstairs, sat at the edge of the bed and sobbed.
And sobbed.
And sobbed.
And sobbed.
My husband stayed home with me that day. He got the girls off to school and arranged for me to see a doctor.
The doc prescribed Wellbutrin, Lorazepam, and Ambien.
At the time, those were the drugs of choice to numb whatever emotional pain I was feeling, so that's what I took.
At the time, those were the drugs of choice to numb whatever emotional pain I was feeling, so that's what I took.
And they worked well for awhile.
But they didn't solve any problems.
If anything, they mildly exacerbated them by adding one more expense to an already tight budget and by shutting down whatever emotional release I found in creative writing.
I was still fat.
I still felt unrewarded in my endeavors.
But deep down I knew a happy person lived inside of me. (And no, I didn't eat her. I may be fat, but I'm not a cannibal zombie.)
So I started searching for the answer to my problems.
And I found something very interesting when I looked outside myself.
Find out what it was in Thursday's post.
In the meantime, I want to hear from you. Tweet me, Facebook message me or tell me in the comments below if you've ever hit a point in your life when you knew a change was necessary. How did you handle it?
4 comments:
Wow! I know how you feel in some way. I remember waking up in the morning and my mantra was, "don't think about it, just do it". I had a crazy boss and a tiny cubicle that I could not leave except to get a paper off of the printer. Bathroom breaks were only at 10:00, Noon and 3:00. I was just earning a check. I would take my lunch break in a parking lot alone and cry in the park and wish for a different life. I did finally get my wish. I was out of there! Now I am a full time farmer's wife. I have my down days and moments but I have also learned how to enjoy the little things in life. Things like my nieces, family and friends. I am home with my husband and we both could not be happier. We do have our ups and downs but that is to be expected. My point is I know what it is to cry and cry and feel like the world is going to end. I have come out of the funk and am happy to say I made it through a really rough time. You will make it too.
Hi anonymous! Welcome to my corner of cyberia. I'm glad you found a way to happiness. Taking that first step is such a difficult action, isn't it?
I've made it through, as well. I wouldn't be writing about it if I hadn't made it. I'm just hoping what I learned can help others who are struggling to find peace. I hope you'll come back.
I bet farm life is a blast.
You do realize I AM your biggest fan. =o)
I know. I'm just glad you were brave enough to post. :-D
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