Thursday, February 18, 2010

When the day turns to dust and shadows and the demon is at your door...

Yesterday I updated my Facebook status to: "God, I've prayed so many times just so I could see the things that I want most of all are the same things killin' me."

A couple of people e-mailed me directly, wondering if I was okay. (Thanks.) A few others inquired on Facebook about what had happened to make me leave such dismal words.

Well, it reflected the way I felt: powerless.

The line is from my novel; when the MC is rapt in the throes of addiction, she writes the lyrics to a song called "Other gods" without realizing the darkness it reveals about her current state of mind.

The song title is based on the first commandment: "I am the Lord your God. . . .Do not have other gods before me."

Out of the ten, this was probably the hardest commandment for me to grasp.

The cynic in me used to interpret it as a sort of admission that there are other omnipotent beings in the universe trying to knock God from His pedestal. Early on, I pictured them as mythological titans. Later, I thought maybe it was a reference to the gods found in other religions.

I started to get a firm understanding of the meaning of this commandment when I tried to step inside the mind of an alcoholic while writing about Heather.

Then, while watching my husband struggle to quit drinking, I received a first-hand lesson on what it means to put other gods first.

I realized then that having other gods means zeroing in on that which separates us from grace.

Everyone has one.

It's whatever fills us up but leaves us empty. It's whatever leaves us lusting for affirmation and pleasure from outside sources, when the only source that should matter is the one that lives within us.

For some, an other god is gambling.

For some, it's cigarettes.

For others, it's cocaine, meth, heroin.

For my husband, it's alcohol.

My other god is food. And yesterday it had me on my knees.

But they say the first step to recovery is admitting there is a problem.

Now that I've admitted it, the coming days will be a fight to remove that other god from the pedestal on which I placed it and to put my God back where He belongs.

Prayers (if you're a believer) and encouragement (if you're a non-believer) would be greatly appreciated.

And I think Bartles or Jaymes said it best: "Thank you for your support."

(OK, yeah, wine cooler reference was probably inappropriate, but if it made my husband laugh, then you all have to, too.)


Tara said...

Best of luck in your god removal endeavors. I am back on the wagon as of this week. 40 lbs to go, whew. Lots of encouragement coming your way.

I'm really enjoying your blog.

And I found your innapropriate reference amusing myself--but, then, I would ;)

Linda Sandifer said...

Some very interesting thoughts, Kat. For us writers, I think writing might be our "other god." We need to keep it in perspective, which is sometimes hard to do since it's so easy for it to consume us and to rule our lives.

Rosslyn Elliott said...

You're very brave, Kat. I know you can do it. So many people struggle with their relationships to food, but far fewer have the courage to talk about it.

Cole Gibsen said...

Good luck battling those demons, Kat. I have a few of my own. I'll be praying for you :)

Aubrie said...

Good luck, Kat.You are very brave to blog so openly about it. My problem was with video games. I was addicted and it consumed my life. Now I don't play at all. Quit cold turkey.

KM Wilsher said...

Hey girl. You are in my prayers tonight. . .man, what an honest post. . .Love you girl!
You are doing the right thing!
Let me know if you need anything more :0) You know some of my battles. . .

ann theesen said...

Have been thinking about you guys, now I know why. Love you both, and have for awhile. your sis, Ann

Anonymous said...

Right on, Kat. Prayin' you through this.

Crimey said...

Kat, I think most of us have had to deal with one demon or another. Some of us, several. I'm praying for you and your husband.

Christine Fonseca said...

*hugs* Kat...I'm always here if you need me. I have been there in more waysthan you know!

Journaling Woman said...

My heart is breaking and I am in tears. But prayers for you are lifted to he who knows no defeat. Even though things may look bad and feel worse, there is a shinier tommorow. Hang on!

Anonymous said...

Sending prayers! Great post! Yup, keeping my eyes on God has helped me learn about Him, myself, and my writing.

Kudos to you!